Dirty Laundry...Skeletons

About that other blog. I started getting all emotional and had to write straight away. I have finished rehearsing for today.
Where do I start?
Last week I get a phone call from an unknown number - seeing as though only a select few have my phone number, I am hesitant to answer, but I do. It's my Dad. My sister had passed on my number. I say hello and that I have to go (I was at work).
I go to the studio for a few hours of recording .. then head home, it's late and I am tired. So I crash. I wake up later that night to a missed call and a text message. "dash, it's dad, i just want to talk to you". I tell my sister about it, and she informs me as to what he wants to talk about.
Apparently, via my blogging and old Facebook, he "discovered" that I am not quite straight. Saying he is the last person to find out. Really? All those years growing up calling me a "pansy" "poof" & one I will never forget "clarence" (i was cross eyed) and referring to homosexuals as "bloody fags/poofs" calling the lifestyle "disgusting". I kind of thought he knew. He wonders why I don't want to talk to him.
I used to lie to my friends and tell them that I had a great relationship with my Dad. I don't, and doubt I will.
This is the person that denied I was even his child before I was even born. Then still denied me when he saw me as a baby. When he finally acknowledged my existance, he put me down, shut me down until the day he and Mom split (best day ever). I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Afew years later, I moved interstate with a friend and my life really took a turn - I was living for me.
Anyway back to Dad finding out... My sister said he was on the internet researching how to approach a gay son, how to act, what to say - and that he wanted to tell me that "it's okay to be gay"... I'm sorry, but I can't stand that saying. Who is he to tell me that it's okay .. just, okay to be me. Being gay doesn't define who I am. I don't wear my sexuality on my sleeve.I've been without him telling me anything for more than half my life.
No, I don't have Dad issues. Just needed a vent.
It's fucking great to be me.
-Dash xoxo
ps and all the family beating around the bush "does dash have a girlfriend yet?" ... i wish they'd speak to me and not through my Mom.

Sweet Dashy Goodness

I went for a walk at 11.30 last night to grab a bite to eat. Picked up a packet of Tim Tams instead. Being the impatient person I am, I ripped open the packet as soon as I walk out of the store. Put the biscuit in my mouth, and the next few seconds were a blur. My eyes rolled in the back of my head, my toes curled, I moaned. It was sublime. I think I could've used a cigarette afterwards! First Tim Tam in three months. The tatse. The texture. The sweet chocolatey goodness. Heaven.
Midnight - chose to watch Toy Story 3 for the 19th time. Still laughed and cried in all the same scenes. How can a cartoon have such an effect on me? I guess it is closure?
I grew up watching the Toy Story movies - the first came out at a time when my parents just divorced, and my sister and I watched it together where my Dad was staying (with his Uncle & Aunt (our Godparents)). It just occured to me why I don't like watching the first film now - the memories are ones I'd like to forget. The forced conversation, the fake smiles...Anyway, that's another blog.
Tim Tams - Great. Toy Story 3 - Great. Happy happy joy joy
-Dash xoxo

Sunday Letter to Myself 10.23.10

Hey Man, it's been a while since we've spoken. I hope you're well, and life is treating you kindly.
Me? I've been living out of suitcases, living off noodles & tips from the bar. Singing and writing alot, life is good. So good.
Only you I can tell this to...
I look forward to the day I can finally lay my hat, and unpack my bags.
It's been a long road this year. I admit, it hasn't been easy, or my finest. Though one day I will be talking about this on Letterman. "Riches - Rags - Riches..."
I want to buy stuff & happiness.
You're my only friend, my confidant. The only one I can rely.
I don't know what to do with myself - Am I really doing all I can to make these dreams a reality?
Enough is not enough anymore. I have to step it up - Take it to the next level.
I am doing this. Positive affirmations...
I am I am I am living the dream
I will check in with you again soon.
Faithfully,
-Dash =)

Strange Addiction

Had an unusual form of libertaion yesterday. I deleted my Facebook account. No more running commentary of my life. No more late nights "refreshing" the page to see what's new.
It had become a strange addiction. It's only been 24 hours since I dectivated it, and I have found myself staring at the laptop wanting to log in. Every thought I've wanted to share, I've wanted to post. Instead, I am putting pen to paper and collaborating all my thoughts into a (hopefully) eventful, fun blog. I've had time to myself, time to walk, and more importantly - time to rehearse. I am recording a new track on Thursday. I've wanted this for so long and will not let anything get in my way - especially a silly social network. Welcome back to the real world Dash.
-D xoxo

Dash Conquers

*I realize that this blog may seem a little muddled - but it is all relevant...
Conquering fears, owning them & being the best you can be.

The unknown thrills me, yet there is something about it that scares the absolute shit out of me.
I've been passionate about music, acting, fashion, and well, the arts in general. However, it's taken me up until now to persue these dreams. I am going at it with a reckless abandonment. For too long I had taken the easy road.After string of gay bashings in my town I was concerned and almost didn't go out. To get to this club from my job requires me to walk down an alley (where some of the bashings occured). Call me stupid, but I stood at the beginning of the alley way I thought, and said out loud "I wont let fear own me"
I own my fear.

-Dash xoxo

DashJeVu, 5.50AM & The Flintstones

*Most of these events have happened over the last 10-15 years. I see patterns occuring, and dejavu. The dating scene in this city is quite small. So any similarities are coincidental. The people - male and female in this blog are no longer in my life.

I ran into The Crush tonight - was with his new partner. Was funny, I had to look twice, I barely recognized him. Is that a good thing?

Now I am sitting here at 5.50AM contemplating life. Where I am. Where I am going.. but I am distracted by The Flintstones. I really should know better than to start thinking when I am tired. I get emotional and really down. This blog will help air my thoughts.

Time to think of something positive. For instance, a little while ago, I participated in a charity fun run. It was an amazing day. I went to early to soak up the atmosphere... boy did I soak it up! I was extremely hyped and wet from the rain. It was my turn to run... and did I! I ran and ran. I didn't think I did that good a job. Thought I could've gone harder. Now, I obviously peaked in the right spot - I came First! The feeling of excitment and overwhelming joy was incredible. I hadn't felt that way in such a long time. Remembering this race, and coming first - really makes me feel good, and like I can do anything.
I can do anything. So can you.

Well Flintstones are over and it's 6AM I should get some shut eye.

Goodnight bloggers... happy reading & thank you for all of your support and emails! It really means alot to me.
_Dash xoxo

november 25

Dash & The Farmer

I generally don't have a type (as you can tell from my previous encounters). I do however, thanks to Samantha Brett, have an IML (Ideal Man List).

This little tale is about a man who ticks the boxes - The Farmer.

He...
Wants a family - Is travelled - Loves animals - Lives in the country, but isn't a stranger to the city - Oh, so handsome - Is an absolute sweetheart, and.... Strangely enough, a Virgo...

Sounds perfect huh!?

There's a catch... a pretty big one

We've never met, or spoken to each other.

Who is this guy - what am I doing!?

-Dash xoxo

The Virgo Who Started It All...

I think I have told you about this person, the one I dreamt about - The Crush.
Break it down into a short story...
We met on set of a film we both had roles in. Despite the 47 degree heat - I got hotter.
On paper - he seems perfect. dark hair big brown eyes, muscular, 29 and a Virgo. Great job. Big smile.
He was seeing someone, but soon left the person. We spent days, nights, weeks and months together. Told me of his love for me and "when i'm with you, it's like no one else exsists". He showed affection. I thought we were together.
One night I get a phone call from a friend who ran into The Crush out in the city .. and he said "Dash has the wrong idea". I was hurt, but didn't want to lose him as a friend (maybe he'd see how cool I was and want to date me for real).
I would try to tell him about what was going on in my life.. general stuff. He'd turn it into something about him. (it's okay, he just likes to talk.. and i didn't have much to say).
Then the iPhone came out - he began getting in touch with men through a certain hook up site. It got to the point where we couldn't have a conversation without him checking his phone. It got to the point, I couldn't be "just friends". I wanted more and he couldn't give it to me.
I avoided his calls, emails etc.. and one night I was reading and i get a knock at the door.. it's The Crush, asking "What's wrong? Why are you avoiding me?"
I said I wasn't, but my body langauge said otherwise. After a few more emails from him asking what was wrong... I didn't respond. His emails eventually slowed, then stopped all together.
Now we pass each other in the street and at first seeing him again hurt and had my heart racing. I thought I was over it, until I saw him with someone new... and I wondered if he was playing him too.
Short story shorter... he knew how I felt, though, I don't know that I felt used me and that he toyed with my emotions...Perhaps we were both naive.
I do wish him the best.... so I say farewell to The Crush
...but for how long?

-Dash xoxo

Four Dates & True Love

After a certain Virgo who completely destroyed my faith in men and resulted in me building pretty high walls. I decided enough was enough. He was never into me so I should put myself out there. I joined a dating site... responses came in thick and fast - said "No thanks" to many. However, I arranged four dates. Two out of the four were so miserable and whiney - I wanted to slap them. Let's begin.

Date One. Mr Salt&Pepper. Agreed to meet for a coffee. He was much shorter than I imagined. Banging body though. And you could tell he would've been extremely handsome in his earlier years - but years in a solarium .. anyway. While we chat... rephrase, while I spoke - he with his legs and arms crossed(bad sign), and either looking out the window or at the ceilling(worse sign), and he even asked "huh?" afew times (worst sign.. wasn't even listening...). I finished my coffee and said I had to go. As I was saying goodbye, he hugged me and asked to see me again - told him, we'll see - and I left. When I returned home, there was an email from him telling me how much he enjoyed meeting me, felt a connection and we should catch up again.. . umm What the Fuck!? Dash is big on communication - and that, was poor. Goodbye Mr Salt&Pepper.
Date Two. Larry the Lawyer. Again much shorter than I imagined and out for coffee. He was in a suit had come straight from work, he was an angry and a miserable man. Clearly not comfortable. I did manage a smile out of him towards the end, and thought maybe he just had a rough day at work and needed to vent. Conversed more over the next week and even told me he would've liked a kiss, but was too shy. I agreed to a second date - this time, dinner. I arrived early and ordered a drink (i thought i may need it, to sit through dinner with him)... then another and another. 6.55PM and I had been at the studio from 5AM.. I was abit tipsy - He arrived dead on 7, still in a suit (must have come from work.. damn - probably angry.."waiter, another vodka thanks"). After small talk and flipping through the menu and wine list.. and complaining over prices (tight much (i paid for myself)). I was extremely talkative, he had no idea I was almost drunk. I tried to lighten him up, afew jokes etc. He ordered a wine and I thought he may loosen up - Wrong. Fast forward I survived the night... got home and an email saying he had a great night, wanted that kiss and can't wait to catch up again. Sorry Larry the Lawyer, goodbye.

Date Three. Eddie the Emo worked in a bar and seemd really layed back, so I thought, this .guy is chill, we'll get on! Met for coffee... cute as a button. Then after introductions and small talk. He began complaining about life "fuck my life"... Oh wow. I didn't have a phone on me, so I was looking for any excuse to leave. He was actually pouting...  hello excuse, ANY will do. So I made up some lame excuse and said "nice to meet you, see you around". Third time with the email - "great to meet you, had so much fun". Being a little bolder, I responded "Thank you for taking time out today. However, I don't think we match. I wish you all the best."... Eddie the Emo... Goodbye.

Date Four. Sonny the Shy worked in an office. Not sure what he did exactly. Went out one Sunday afternoon for coffee. He was lovely, made great conversation, handsome. Took his jacket off and I noticed thin arms - odd thing to notice you say. I don't have a "type" but I like big arms. I told myself - gym will fix that - then he'd be perfect. Had a great chat, gave me a hug, offered me a ride home and i said I'd like to make the most of the weather and walk - thank you though. We went our ways, he sent the email.. basically the same as the others. Though I kept in contact with Sonny the Shy. We met up at clubs etc. After months of courting, I finally agreed to visit his home. I knew what was going to happen. So I went, we made out until 2AM and he fell asleep on me..After that, I realized - I only like him and don't feel anything more than that - but he does, and I could tell he didn't want "just friends".... so unfortunatly, Sonny the Shy... Goodbye.

So.. four dates down. they've all since met their true loves
D xoxo

Dash is looking for love

...I guess I deserve the man misfortune now -
...Need to get some good man karma coming my way -
...No more hook ups, despite how fun they are

Young Virgo Player

 Young Virgo Player (YVP)
I met YVP outside a club I worked at. He was walking by with a mate, we acknowleged one another and went our seperate ways.
After work that night, I ran into him again & he gave me his Facebook details. We began chatting online, and got to like each other - this went on for months. Until one night I was chilling out having a drink, he saw me and promptly came over, introduced me to his friends, then whisked me away to another area and pashed me, telling me he wanted to take me home. I said thank you, but no, not yet. We continued kissing, then I went home.
I tell my friends that this guy is awesome, nice, into me etc - Afew tell me they know of him and he is a "skank" "whore" and I don't believe a word...
We catch up the next weekend - at the same venue, and he lays one on me, right there in the street... wants to take me home again. This time I say "Yes". Once inside the club, he walks away, and onto stand between some guys legs & proceeds to hug him and whisper in his ear. I leave the club.
We catch up a few time when he is sober, nothing happens, so I ask him what's going on. Are you after a bit of fun, or something more? He tells me what I want to hear. I ask him about the nights at the club, and he tells me he has no recollection - that that is a whole different person. I also asked if he meant what he said and asked. He said "to you I did, because you are cute"... "but to others, i like to lead them on, tease them..."  I tell him I'm not into games and playing with peoples emotions - he shrugs his shoulders, i tell him best wishes.
Poor Young Virgo Player... Goodbye
D xoxo

Luck of the Dash

This AMR was Phil, the Irish man - this was short lived - but still lived. We met online through a dating site, I felt a connection, so rather than speaking online for months (which I normally do) I met him after two days. Now Irish man, was not the sort of guy I normally go for. He has a shaved head, facial hair & a big belly!
We were sitting on my couch having a great conversation when he asked if he could give me a kiss, I said no, laughed and told him i was joking and gave him a kiss that lasted three hours.
We caught up each week, each time just kissing and talking - he told me he felt the connection instantly, really liked me and could see a future with me. That sounded great. I was starting to see it too.
Behind closed doors - I was going through a private hell. Hours were cut at work, bills pilling up and I had an impending eviction! Within 48 hours - I was out of my home, and shacked up and cramming into someones spare room.
I put off seeing him, I was getting depressed. He kept emailling me telling me how he felt. I told him what had happened. I was now depressed, embarrassed, ashamed and deleted all contact.
One month later, I was feeling good and was at work, and guess who walks in - Irish man... with his new partner. Saw me in your future huh? I was your world?
I understand I fucked up and dealt with things poorly. But, seriously - why do the guys I meet tell me these things, then a few weeks later end up with "the love of their life"... maybe I am a lucky charm - one date with Dash and you'll meet you true love.

Never on the same page

According to the Stars, Capricorn (me) & Virgo are the ideal match. However, put me in a room with one, watch me develop feelings, read too much into everything - then watch me crumble! I fall for them hard, and they let me down. Come to think of it, all men have let me down - some way or another. Join me on my search for Mr Right. Let's examine past almost mr rights (AMR) and see if there is a common factor there. Feel free to share your stories too :-)
Let's travel back to a time long ago. There was a guy named Charlie, the Lawyer. Smart, funny & tall, dark and handome. The night we met (we'd spoken for years online prior) started hot and heavy. I woke up with the biggest hangover, being spooned by him - there wasn't the feeling of where am i? what have i done? Though this was my first time I'd been with a guy like this, it felt right. Comfortable.
After months of seeing each other, dinners, movies, drinks etc We'd always end the night making out and steaming things up. One night in the midst of literally steaming up the windows in his car, he asks "where is this going?". I was so shy and didn't think I was ready. So my response was the buzz killer "can't we keep it like this?"... Obviously not. I didn't see him for a year.
Skip past the drunken hook ups and regrets, Lawyer was still on my mind. I make contact and arrange a date - he says "sure". We meet and I tell him I am ready. He tells me he likes me, but isn't ready and would like to keep it casual. I say I understand and that I am looking for "something more" - I leave, and understand why they call a crush, a crush.
Hop and a skip to a few months later, I came the conclusion that if he wants casual, I'll go casual - atleast I get to see him. So I make contact again and this time I get a totally unexpected response... "I'm seeing someone...". I wish him all the best and say goodbye. Yet, to this day, he remains in my heart.

Two Jobs & A Little Red Clock

12.34PM - I made a wish.
Such a beautiful day today. I will be spending most of today in bed sleeping. Until I am woken by by little red clock. Tonight I work at the bar until 4AM tomorrow, then 5AM at the gym until 2PM.... And then off to record a track we've been working on. It's an amazing piece, lyrically and musically.
I can't explain what music means to me, how it makes me feel.
Now to eat a delighful Cup of Noodles, and back into slumber.
=D

Lately I've been dreaming about an old friend & crush (I say crush, because it was one sided). I have tried so hard to forget him. I stopped answering calls, texts, emails, deleted him from my Facebook, you get the picture. Now all of a sudden he is all that is on my mind. I run into him at the gym and he sets my heart on fire again. I think it's just infatuation. I don't know what I would say to him. I don't think we could be friends again. I don't want to hear about who he meets and hooks up with. For him to tell me(while we were mates), knowing how I felt - was just selfish and cruel.
I will try my hardest to keep the blog going and interesting - and not about that person. I will offer insight into my life as a bartender, receptionist, almost recording artist, and some time actor who is living in a spare bedroom!
Life is good & I thank the stars everyday that I get to experience it =)
-Dash