Dash: Sugar & Sabotage

Sugar & Sabotage:

Sunday. Sitting on a surfboard out on the water. I woke up and decided that today would be the start [again] of cutting out sugar. Surfing is sure to keep my mind off it. All I manage to do is sit on the board and watch tourists run in and out of the water, chasing waves, still dressed in their clothes. The sky looks dark and scary, and it's only three pm. I paddle in, put some dry clothes on and catch the ferry. By the time we reach the City, I am shivering, soaking and looking like a drowned rat.
When I got home, I put some dry warm clothes on - not even bothered to shower - besides, I love the small of the sea salt on me.
Wrapped myself in my trashy fabulous leopard print blanket and read a book.
Day two with no sugar. Talk about withdrawals. Dash got his bitch on. My head was throbbing and I was so thirsty for some sweet, sugary goodness.
Day three is a tad better, but I am feeling blue. You know what happens when I feel blue... I get to thinking. Ah, Dash - why do you do this to yourself. Thinking is not good!
I was receiving texts messages from a guy I was into. Yet I found myself either sending succinct replies, or not replying at all.. What is going on in my brain? I've had time to think you see - stepped out of the moment and into reality and begin to think about what I really want. What I really look for. I know he's out there. Somewhere.
So, here I am. Out of the moment, and thinking about past [would/could/should? be] relationships, and why they didn't come to fruition. Common Denomenator - Dash.
Quite simply - I slowly cut people out. I sabotage my chance at happiness. I do think they can do better than me. And quietly, Am I holding out for someone else? No one in particular. Just, the One. Makes me wonder how many chances of happiness I have missed out on. How many experiences I have missed out on.

I met a guy for coffee. He was incredibly unattractive, and what he did made him just plain ugly. So many awkward silences. He even showed me his phone - a fucking ifuckinghateiphonehookupapps iPhone. On the screen was a hook up site with his picture on it - he even answered a "request" while sipping his coffee. Obviously set my bar way too high. I no sooner finished my drink, had I made an excuse to leave, followed by a "see you around".

Wow. In typing this up, I have just gone downhill emotionally. Fuck.
More thinking, turning into word vomit.
It's so hard when you have a friend.. who turns out not to be a friend anymore. The convenient friend. I have always been so blind to see, or just didn't want to see. The fear of being alone. The fear of never fitting in.

What the fuck is this fear I have. I am fucking insane.
I want.
I don't know what I want.
I want to be the phoenix rising from the ashes - but all I feel I am, is the ash - throw me out to sea.

So now I am sitting in the common room at the hostel, feeling worthless and pathetic.

I don't even feel worthy enough to sign my name

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