Dash: A New Day

High, highs. Low, lows.
Everyone needs to vent. I just happen to do it via this website.
After my rant yesterday. Pearce saw it online, and had messaged me within a few minutes. Fuck, I wish we were closer. Nevermind though.
I think Pearce is the only bloke I haven't described. Maybe one day. Maybe I will just keep the image of him to myself.
-Dash xoxo

Dash: Sugar & Sabotage

Sugar & Sabotage:

Sunday. Sitting on a surfboard out on the water. I woke up and decided that today would be the start [again] of cutting out sugar. Surfing is sure to keep my mind off it. All I manage to do is sit on the board and watch tourists run in and out of the water, chasing waves, still dressed in their clothes. The sky looks dark and scary, and it's only three pm. I paddle in, put some dry clothes on and catch the ferry. By the time we reach the City, I am shivering, soaking and looking like a drowned rat.
When I got home, I put some dry warm clothes on - not even bothered to shower - besides, I love the small of the sea salt on me.
Wrapped myself in my trashy fabulous leopard print blanket and read a book.
Day two with no sugar. Talk about withdrawals. Dash got his bitch on. My head was throbbing and I was so thirsty for some sweet, sugary goodness.
Day three is a tad better, but I am feeling blue. You know what happens when I feel blue... I get to thinking. Ah, Dash - why do you do this to yourself. Thinking is not good!
I was receiving texts messages from a guy I was into. Yet I found myself either sending succinct replies, or not replying at all.. What is going on in my brain? I've had time to think you see - stepped out of the moment and into reality and begin to think about what I really want. What I really look for. I know he's out there. Somewhere.
So, here I am. Out of the moment, and thinking about past [would/could/should? be] relationships, and why they didn't come to fruition. Common Denomenator - Dash.
Quite simply - I slowly cut people out. I sabotage my chance at happiness. I do think they can do better than me. And quietly, Am I holding out for someone else? No one in particular. Just, the One. Makes me wonder how many chances of happiness I have missed out on. How many experiences I have missed out on.

I met a guy for coffee. He was incredibly unattractive, and what he did made him just plain ugly. So many awkward silences. He even showed me his phone - a fucking ifuckinghateiphonehookupapps iPhone. On the screen was a hook up site with his picture on it - he even answered a "request" while sipping his coffee. Obviously set my bar way too high. I no sooner finished my drink, had I made an excuse to leave, followed by a "see you around".

Wow. In typing this up, I have just gone downhill emotionally. Fuck.
More thinking, turning into word vomit.
It's so hard when you have a friend.. who turns out not to be a friend anymore. The convenient friend. I have always been so blind to see, or just didn't want to see. The fear of being alone. The fear of never fitting in.

What the fuck is this fear I have. I am fucking insane.
I want.
I don't know what I want.
I want to be the phoenix rising from the ashes - but all I feel I am, is the ash - throw me out to sea.

So now I am sitting in the common room at the hostel, feeling worthless and pathetic.

I don't even feel worthy enough to sign my name

.

Dash Fast Forwards

Pearce makes me wonder. What would have happened if I stayed. It scares me, and excites me. Sure, he could give me unconditional friendship and great sex (assuming I lost my virginity to him). I don't know that he could give me what I really want. Love. There, I said it. But honestly, isn't that what we are ultimately searching for. The one? He is a wonderful guy and yeah, I have fantasised about this and that with him. I just found myself falling [again] into the same trap with him. We barely know each other. This "fast forward' thinking has to stop. I am slowly changing though. Just hope I don't turn into a cold hearted prick that I know I have potential to be. Even writing this, I am feeling feelings leave my body. My jaw is tense and my body rigid. Could be the fact that it is 5AM on a Saturday morning and I am up on my way to work. Could be the fact that I got a text message from some douche who is intersted in Pearce. Fuck I am warped. I really need to get a real life.
-Dash xoxo

Dash. Virgin. Vanity. Vocal Part II - 21st Century Dating

"I'm sorry, I can't do tonight. I have something else on." My gut churned reading that text message, and my pride was hurt a little. I was being stood up. Again. Someone cancelled on me a few days earlier. What the fuck! Their loss, and not mean to be I suppose.
When I got home, slightly pissed off and feeling a tad blue, I logged onto the dating website and answered emails I would normally avoid. I had a quick chat to someone who seemed interesting. I liked what I saw and [unlike me] agreed to meet the next day. He actually turned up. All shortness of him. He was tiny & not at all goodlooking. I can see why he did only posted headless photos. I thought, don't be an arsehole Dash - get to know him. Within 5 seconds I think, you are kidding yourself to think that your family and friends don't know your gay. Either that or they are deaf and blind. He was so camp. Within the next 5 seconds I can tell he likes me.  I was actually embarassed to be seen with him. He made the most awful scene when I sat down to have a meal with him. His arms were flailing and his nasally voice carried accross the cafe. He didn't shut up. He was making holiday plans, and wanting me to meet the family and his friends. Fuck. I went to say goodbye - but he stayed around, making for some awkward and forced conversation... two fucking long hours later - I shook his hand & said see you around. 24 hours and 400+ text messages [from him] later, I am finding it hard to be civil. Damn being so polite.

Eight years ago I started chatting to Mr Blue Eyes. We shared alot [as you tend to do online - easier confessions]. We continued chatting over the years. Sharing dreams. Loss. Love. We'd often be in the same city at the same time. We'd talk of meeting and wanting to spend time with one another - deep down I knew it would never happen. We were in two different worlds. he had his career & and regimented life. I [still am] a scatter brain gypsy child. He's blonde with [you guessed it] blue eyes. I am dark with dark eyes.
One night we were texting, and I mentioned I had arrived in Sydney. He was out of the country on business for a few weeks. I got on with work and life. Before I knew it, I was reading a text from him "No more hiding behind a computer, let's meet :-)." I was excited, but calm - and not at all nervous. Afterall. I knew everything about him and him about me... oh, fuck... I've told him all my secrets... NOW I was nervous!
The time came. 7PM. I was walking towards the coffee shop - I see him. He's in a red shirt. Sipping his decaf long black [no sugar] checking his phone. Something came over me. I walked up behind him, and like an old mate, I grabbed him by the shoulders and said "blue eyes". He turned, and smiled the biggest, whitest smile. Stood. and hugged me like I can't even explain.
We had dinner, coffee, walked. Spoke about everything. I couldn't take my eyes off him. The way his eyebrows moved, the dimples in his cheeks, the curls on his head. The way he spoke. The affection he showed. Always smiling. His laugh boomed. It was surreal meeting him face to face. Surreal, but right. So much better than typing to one another all night and seeing his little profile picture in the corner. We walked back to his apartment. Before we said goodnight, he hugged me - for what felt like an eternity. He kissed my lips - all I could say was "wow". I walked away dizzy, weak and smiling. Damn!
The next night we met for a coffee - This guy is real. Fuck!

So much happens here. I can't believe it has only been a month. Thought I would share a few more tales. And while I am not so scattered, finish my previous blog!

One night I jumped out of bed - running through the dark dorm  - I kneed someone [who was doing meditation] in the face.
Another night I was sitting up in bed on my laptop enjoying the stillness and quiet of the room. I leaned slightly to my left, lifted a cheek ... and dropped my guts. Within 5 seconds I heard someone say "Ya right there?!" and they stood up from the bottom bunk, laughing. I was mortified.

As I have been typing this, my French roommate has been chasing a cockroach around the room with a thong, screeching "fook it is yuge... fook... fook". I can't stop laughing.

I have cancelled my surgery - after a quick word from a good friend. It was cancelled within the hour.

Be writing more lyrics. Had a sing and a jam with a busker at the train station. Felt so fucking good!

THATLDO
I hope you enjoyed this installment.

-Dash
xoxo

Dash. Virgin. Vanity. Vocal

Shit! I'm going to die a virgin. Yes. I had this dreadful thought, only moments earlier. As I was climbing onboad the train - I thought to myself. "If this crashed, I am fucked, without being .. well, fucked!". When did I turn into this person. Sure I was waiting. Now though. Part of me wants to remain the big V until I meet someone special. Part of me wants to give it up. I gave everything else away, why not this? To be honest. I do want it. I crave it. I just don't want my first time to have me being used. I would like a relationship before it happens. That would require meeting someone.. anyone. So far, there have been no fish. I am in Sydney - you think I'd be like a cat at a fish farm. Alas, no. I am not what they want here, Next month I am taking a drastic step to appear younger. I am getting some surgery to my aging face. I have fallen trap to vanity - all to be accepted and loved. I do love me, just not my increasing creasing eyes.
I do not eat well. Which is a promise I broke a few weeks ago when I moved here. I vowed that I would eat healthier, cleaner foods. Instead, I am eating packet noodles and loving free coffee. I have kept one promise to myself. That I would train in the gym more - and I certainly am.
Today for breakfast, I had a can of Red Bull & a hot chocolate. Guzzling that down I said out loud to an empty room. "what are you doing dash!?"
Vocals ..Singing loud and proud with buskers, tourists, myself - loving it! Writing a load of new material.
Scattered brain will post part two soon
-dash xoxo