Dash the Invisible

Feels like the world is falling apart. Apologies in advance if this blog goes one way then another. My head is scrambled at the moment.
Feels like my heart is breaking, and I don't know why. There have been a series on fucked up events, all snowballing - into me bawling on Oxford Street, Sydney.
Started off okay - I guess. I woke up Sunday feeling old, ugly and just plain, less than average. Thought I would go for a walk to clear my brain. I found a coffee shop, decided I deserve a blueberry muffin to go with my regular soy chai latte. Consuming that and having a smile at people walking by with their miniature somethingorrather dogs. A quick look at the time, I realised I should be getting ready for bed - having to wake up at 3AM is a bitch sometimes. The rain started as I began to walk, so I board a train. We were pulling into Central Station and the Conductor screamed something unaudible into the PA. The train stops and the lights go out. I thought to myself, Great! It's broken down again. After what seemed an eternity to a guy to can't sit still, the lights began to flicker. Red and Blue lights are flashing into the dim caarriages. Before I could even think - Police Rescue, and Security came storming through, asking everyone to make our way out through the front of the train. As I am walking along I see an Officer crouched down on the platform, shining a torch under the train. I step off the train, I see people standing around with arms folded and hands over their mouths. I hear a woman tell another that someone is under the train, and had been hit. My heart began to beat even faster and faster. When I saw the stretcher - I looked away and rang my Mum. Everyone was calm and silent. I heard someone sob. As I turned, I saw the body being lifted. I don't know whether it was a male or a female. I began to shake and feel sick. I began to well up, but controlled myself enough to find an exit and make my way out. How did this happen? Did they jump? Slip? [Try to] Cross the track? What about the poor persons family. The driver. The witnesses. No one will be the same. This and the images will be etched in their minds forever. I know it will be in mine.
According to a local source - one person a day in NSW is killed by a train. Whether accident or suicide. It got so late. I lay in bed holding my rock (snowflake obsidian) and I eventually fell asleep.
Monday morning came around too quickly. I woke up still clutching my rock. Put on a smile, and faked it all day. I got to work and there was a note from a fellow employee who told me I left my work station a "Disgrace". Those who know me, know this is impossible. I let it go. Until he came prancing into work with his oversized sunglasses and flailing arms. I asked him about it and he told me he was digusted. Trying to let it go and him wanting the last word fired me up - so I walked out. Went home - went to the gym. Started to feel good. Even met a lovely guy who worked there. Afterwards, feeling pretty awesome, I went to my new favorite coffee shop - Chai Latte and people watching. Not a single person noticed me - I am in no way an attention seeker, but that got me down. Not even a quick smile from anyone. Got tired and went home.

Tuesday I woke up in a panic - I had ten minutes to get my shit together and get to the bus stop. I made it.
Got to work, and there was shit all over the place. Even notes stuck down on the desk with sticky tape (alot of sticky tape) after I spent 4 hours cleaning it and left a note asking them NOT to use it! My name tag was fucked up too. I stood there for about 15 minutes not knowing what to do. I wasn't angry. I was upset, and began to feel so fucking unwelcome. Am I that much of a threat to them. I have had some of the best training in the country, and do everything by the book. I have tried to implement a few of these things slowly - but they just wont do it. Will not do anything other than less than the minimum. I'd say stand there and look pretty - but they are not pretty.
After a long day. I get called into the Managers office to give "my side" of what happened. I didn't want this. I want it to go away and start again. I obliged. Then the other party had to go in and give a side. I waited for a while, but left. Feeling sick and like I'd done something wrong. I worried, became anxious and fucking upset! What the fuck is wrong with me?
I came home - check emails, get some food - still feeling like a troll. I thought my new favorite coffee shop would cheer me up. 20 minutes. A Chai. And a few tears later - No. I start questioning everything. I feel rejected. Invisble and like a mess. Dash the Invisible. Inside my head, I wass screaming out for someone to look at me. Just look at me.

You know sometimes you look at someone as you pass them. You think they look at you and you look back. I just want someone to look back at me. Just a little sign. Maybe they are just polite. Maybe I misread the smiling eyes. Something tells me though - no one will ever look back.

I need to move on. Do things differently. I am unoticed. So what am I doing wasting my thoughts on people I don't know. Yet I still think "what if"... Fuck this brain is arghh!

Obviously, I have starteds writing again. But, writing lyrics again in over a month. Alot has happened. Grown a bit. Felt sheltered and lost a part of my innocence. Finding myself. When you see someone dead. A little piece of you changes. It's been a freaking long road, and it's far from over. I want answers. I want names. I want them now. So many crossroads. I just want to arrive somewhere.

I keep on lying to others and myself, forcing that smile and hoping that one day i will believe [and really be] okay. Am I cut out for this?

THATLDO

-dash xoxo