Dash the Invisible

Feels like the world is falling apart. Apologies in advance if this blog goes one way then another. My head is scrambled at the moment.
Feels like my heart is breaking, and I don't know why. There have been a series on fucked up events, all snowballing - into me bawling on Oxford Street, Sydney.
Started off okay - I guess. I woke up Sunday feeling old, ugly and just plain, less than average. Thought I would go for a walk to clear my brain. I found a coffee shop, decided I deserve a blueberry muffin to go with my regular soy chai latte. Consuming that and having a smile at people walking by with their miniature somethingorrather dogs. A quick look at the time, I realised I should be getting ready for bed - having to wake up at 3AM is a bitch sometimes. The rain started as I began to walk, so I board a train. We were pulling into Central Station and the Conductor screamed something unaudible into the PA. The train stops and the lights go out. I thought to myself, Great! It's broken down again. After what seemed an eternity to a guy to can't sit still, the lights began to flicker. Red and Blue lights are flashing into the dim caarriages. Before I could even think - Police Rescue, and Security came storming through, asking everyone to make our way out through the front of the train. As I am walking along I see an Officer crouched down on the platform, shining a torch under the train. I step off the train, I see people standing around with arms folded and hands over their mouths. I hear a woman tell another that someone is under the train, and had been hit. My heart began to beat even faster and faster. When I saw the stretcher - I looked away and rang my Mum. Everyone was calm and silent. I heard someone sob. As I turned, I saw the body being lifted. I don't know whether it was a male or a female. I began to shake and feel sick. I began to well up, but controlled myself enough to find an exit and make my way out. How did this happen? Did they jump? Slip? [Try to] Cross the track? What about the poor persons family. The driver. The witnesses. No one will be the same. This and the images will be etched in their minds forever. I know it will be in mine.
According to a local source - one person a day in NSW is killed by a train. Whether accident or suicide. It got so late. I lay in bed holding my rock (snowflake obsidian) and I eventually fell asleep.
Monday morning came around too quickly. I woke up still clutching my rock. Put on a smile, and faked it all day. I got to work and there was a note from a fellow employee who told me I left my work station a "Disgrace". Those who know me, know this is impossible. I let it go. Until he came prancing into work with his oversized sunglasses and flailing arms. I asked him about it and he told me he was digusted. Trying to let it go and him wanting the last word fired me up - so I walked out. Went home - went to the gym. Started to feel good. Even met a lovely guy who worked there. Afterwards, feeling pretty awesome, I went to my new favorite coffee shop - Chai Latte and people watching. Not a single person noticed me - I am in no way an attention seeker, but that got me down. Not even a quick smile from anyone. Got tired and went home.

Tuesday I woke up in a panic - I had ten minutes to get my shit together and get to the bus stop. I made it.
Got to work, and there was shit all over the place. Even notes stuck down on the desk with sticky tape (alot of sticky tape) after I spent 4 hours cleaning it and left a note asking them NOT to use it! My name tag was fucked up too. I stood there for about 15 minutes not knowing what to do. I wasn't angry. I was upset, and began to feel so fucking unwelcome. Am I that much of a threat to them. I have had some of the best training in the country, and do everything by the book. I have tried to implement a few of these things slowly - but they just wont do it. Will not do anything other than less than the minimum. I'd say stand there and look pretty - but they are not pretty.
After a long day. I get called into the Managers office to give "my side" of what happened. I didn't want this. I want it to go away and start again. I obliged. Then the other party had to go in and give a side. I waited for a while, but left. Feeling sick and like I'd done something wrong. I worried, became anxious and fucking upset! What the fuck is wrong with me?
I came home - check emails, get some food - still feeling like a troll. I thought my new favorite coffee shop would cheer me up. 20 minutes. A Chai. And a few tears later - No. I start questioning everything. I feel rejected. Invisble and like a mess. Dash the Invisible. Inside my head, I wass screaming out for someone to look at me. Just look at me.

You know sometimes you look at someone as you pass them. You think they look at you and you look back. I just want someone to look back at me. Just a little sign. Maybe they are just polite. Maybe I misread the smiling eyes. Something tells me though - no one will ever look back.

I need to move on. Do things differently. I am unoticed. So what am I doing wasting my thoughts on people I don't know. Yet I still think "what if"... Fuck this brain is arghh!

Obviously, I have starteds writing again. But, writing lyrics again in over a month. Alot has happened. Grown a bit. Felt sheltered and lost a part of my innocence. Finding myself. When you see someone dead. A little piece of you changes. It's been a freaking long road, and it's far from over. I want answers. I want names. I want them now. So many crossroads. I just want to arrive somewhere.

I keep on lying to others and myself, forcing that smile and hoping that one day i will believe [and really be] okay. Am I cut out for this?

THATLDO

-dash xoxo

Dash, meet the Hills

So, I just deleted what I was initially going to say. I will pick up where I left off - making a new friend. What a brief friendship. She left two days later. I guess that is what happens when you stay in a hostel. Not to worry though. I enjoy not talking.

One friend gone, and a few more made. Well, atleast I think so. I went out with my new colleagues out in The Hills. Miss T & I went together, got some dinner and drank Moscato and Rose [from the bottle - so classy] in a carpark. We drank hard and fast and took bottles with us on the walk to the bar. Working my way down the cocktail list, around a stripper pole & on the dance floor. I can honestly say - I have not had so much fun in a long time. Didn't take long before I was tired and ready for bed. Knowing I had to work in the morning sobered me up. Miss T & I grabbed a pizza, or two. Sat in the middle of the Mall until security informed us that they had closed. So we left, slept & worked.
After work, I still had some energy and decided to cook some pasta and pesto. Cooked served. Then realised - I don't own cutlery! Back to the kitchen - found some tongs, and managed to eat.
Last night I was feeling tired and old. Not hungover, just no energy. It was a night to celebrate Earth Hour. So I made my way down to the harbor and listened to an Aboriginal elder speak about the land, being brothers and everyone, and thing being connected. I was feeling it. The hour came, and all the lights went out, silnce fell over the warf - but magic happened. Someone began to cheer, a band began to play, and hoola hoop performers twirlled. Two guys passing through started to break dance and freestyle funk. The hour came and went so quickly. I decided to go to bed, feeling happy and satisfied.
Today is Sunday - what adventure awaits me...
-Dash xoxo

Dash in the Dark

I've grown. Evolved. These first two weeks in Sydney have been a test of my character. A test of my strength. People I email back home, are always saying - you can always come back. I haven't even thought about going back. As trying as it has been, I just keep looking for new ways to improve myself and the situation - Not go back. Wipe the shit from the fan, and move on.

Even when it comes to speaking, I only speak at work when I need to. No.. okay, not as much random junk coming out of my mouth. Yes, I did confuse Chicken with Beef Two Minute Noodles!? They taste the same!

Here is the biggest doozy of a story. Two nights ago I was falling asleep. As I was drifting off, I felt this incredible heat come over my body. I open my eyes, and to my horror I am face to face with my Chinese room mate. He was laying next to me. I yell at him to "get the fuck out of my bed". As he flies out, I sit up and notice he has hung sheets all around my bunk bed. I tore them down and threw them across the room, switched all the lights on and continued to yell at him - meanwhile the entire room is waking up watching what is happening. I pick up my wallet, laptop and phone - wrap myself in a blanket and head downstairs to reception. Within minutes the receptionist is upstairs giving this guy a warning.... a warning!? At this stage I was past furious, I was feeling sick and disgusted. I didn't want to go back into the room. So I sat in the stairwell on my phone and laptop to my Mum - almost crying. The Chinese guy approaches me and tells me that he only did it because I was "coming on" to him.[he saw my hands go wandering on myself one night(it was dark! i'm a guy.. and it had been three weeks)!] I tell him to back off and do not speak to me again, calling him crazy. This of course sends him crazy - oops! I walk away and go and sit outside... in my blanket. I stay here for a good hour, and decide I am better than this and go inside to my room. laying in bed, thinking this guy is about to turn ninja assasin on me and put a pillow over my face in my sleep - i lay. wide. awake..... Next thing I know, I wake up at 11AM - I slept, and I am alive!.. and Chinese guy is still there.. fuck. My phone rings and I get called into work - Thank you God!! Work was great, spent time meeting new people. Then it was time to come back - I did, and no Chinese guy! Thank you God! I go to bed, wake up - he's there.... staring at me. I hear one of the Brittish tourist say to his friend "no one jumped in your bed last night did they?" I laughed out loud and looked at the Brittish guy - and we both pissed ourselves laughing. Later that night, Brittish girl approaches me, and says "do you speak English?" I say yes and she sits on my bed and starts talking about the eventful night, and that everyone in the hostel has been talking about it. I laugh and say, as creepy as it was - it has made for a decent story. Three hours later, I've made my first friend in Sydney. Now laying in bed, listeing to the rain as I type this and feel my eyelids get heavy.
Bring on the world! I'm going to take it.
-Dash
xoxo

Dash Bleeds

(a begger collecting money thrown at him)

I've come to realise that I have a very good life. I have everything I need. Sitting here overlooking the harbour. Feeling grateful. Where is my mind and blog going with this?
Well, recently there have been countless natural disasters, both here and overseas. Floods. Fires. Earthquakes. Tsunamis & Cyclones. My heart absolutly bleeds for the people in these catastrophies. There are so many stories of tragedy and loss. People without electricity, water and food. Yet, there are few stories of hope and triumph. Survivors. Courage. Kindness. Yes, the recent events have been terrible. Though focusing on them in such a negative way - just draws in more neagivity. Let's be positive (as much as we can) See the light. See the hope. Believe that we, as one race, can get through. There is so much strength within each of us, imagine what we can do together.
Now something closer to home. As you know, I have made the move to Sydney, Australia. It has been wonderful - [even stacking it in my underpants!] Except one thing. When I arrived, I noticed a few homeless men and women at the train station. All dirty, sad, smelling of alcohol and begging for money. I kept walking. Down the road to where I was staying. As I did what everyone else did, and tried to look past.them, the more I noticed in [no exaggeration] every corner and underpass had homeless men and women sleeping/begging. As much as I wanted to help them all - I couldn't. Or wouldn't? I wanted to sit down with them and ask them their names, why they are homeless. I kept walking, Then I almost trip over someone - a homeless teen. Why on earth isn't he with his family? How did he end up like this? I had never seen so many homeless people in one place, let alone a teen,. someone so close to my age. He could be my brother, my cousin. Has my life been so sheltered from the reality of cities in this supposed fortunate country? I guess in the scale of things, we are fortunate - but I want to see these people successful and healthy - with a roof over their heads.I don't want to see homeless people - that could be taken two ways, so i will rephrase... i don't want to see people homeless.
I will have to sign up to a local soup kitchen in the early hours of my day off. I may not be able to give them a roof, but I can sure help getting food to them.

-dash  

Dash Checks In

Day One
Well I made it. After a rocky start, and unexpected high costs. I fucking made it.
The club I worked at was being raided by the police. so I could not collect the three weeks of wages owing - so a few phone calls made, and I (well, my boss) arranged for me to pick it up at another venue! With that in my pocket, I had thirty minutes to get home, shower and get the bus to the airport. I make it home with five minutes before the bus comes. Ripped my work clothes off, fresh deodorant, underwear and clothes. Pick up my two heavy arse suitcases, and run down the stairs and out to the bus - which i caught... at a price. I hurt my bloody knee! Get to the airport, kind of happy, kind of sad i was there by myself. Check my luggage in - I had to pay $180 in excess. Fuck! See a guy from the gym - good to see a freindly familiar face.
 Arrive in Sydney, check in at hostel and go for a walk. I managed to get extremly lost - but I found food and by 11.30AM I was eating bacon and eggs. Went out for a cruise on the Harbour. Then in bed, fast asleep by 8PM.

Day Two
Wake up at 3AM to go to my first day at work. Very exciting. The day flew by. The team I am working with now are incredible. All so welcoming.
I got home by 3PM, went to Manly, had a phone call from my sister & asleep by 8PM again!

Day Three
Second day at the new job confirms that I have made the right decision. V. V. Happy!

Day Four
Great start to the day, I swapped my regular drink for coconut water - OMG! So much energy!
Work was a blast, met more new faces. Really feels like home here.

Day Five
What a start to the day. The normally prompt, and often too early Dash was running late. Waking up in such a panic, I swooped up all my clothes (still in my underwear) and gym bag, ran out through the lobby and onto the street. Not realising the sidewalk was wet as I bolted around the corner, I absolutly came a buster! Oh, boy did I stack it! Sprawled out like a starfish [still in just underwear] across the road, bag, wallet, money, cards etc all spilled out onto the road. As I look up - VROOM, the bus drives around, and PAST me.
Holding back the tears as I gather my gear from the road, I stand up and felt that twinge in my ankle and burning knees. Fan-fucking-tastic! I sprained my ankle and grazed my knees. Hobbling back to the place I was staying I walk past a group of people and see someone throw a packet of cigarettes on the ground - that upset me even further, so I picked up the packet, handed it to him and said "You dropped these". His mate took them from him and threw them BACK ON THE GROUND! I said "Are you fucking serious" - he proceeded to tell me he was "jorkin, dorn worry me, jus avin' a larf" (fucking brittish backpackers - brilliant). I go on a rant about keeping this country clean and respect it. His mate was having none of this and got angry - so I felt that was my queue to go inside.
Once inside the lobby I felt stares of the reception staff. Upon pushing 7 in the elevator, I look in the mirrored walls and see myself bloody, dirty, and in my underpants - at this point I laugh and come up with a plan to get to work.
Shower, clean up and dress - feeling fresh, and organised.
I am outside waiting to a cab - only took afew minutes in this buzzing city! I asked the driver how much it would cost me to get to work - he tells me, I laugh, and we haggle. I cringe as I hand over the most I have, and will ever pay for a cab ride again! In the end I was glad I bussed that bus and caught a taxi. The driver and I had a great chat, AND I got to work on time - with plenty to spare.

Day Six
Check into the doggiest hostel yet. Atleast I can stay for two weeks and not worry. $10 in my pocket until I get paid... I can do this.

Dash Beams

So, I have been staring at this screen for almost an hour.
I have written, & re written - over and over what I really want to say. Yet I delete it. Something is stopping me. So much is happening.
I am impossibly happy, and positively beaming. I want to share ... but, I can't.

-Growing
-Dash xoxo